I prayed to God about how this year has been like an existential crisis. I told Him that life feels like a responsibility that I do not think I am equipped for- like minute 7:16-7:31 of Sing About Me, I’m Dying of Thirst. It’s just a lot, you know?
When I started this newsletter, I just wanted to be vulnerable about what my sanctification process looks like in different situations phases. But right now, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. These thorns have succeeded in choking this lily. I don’t know if I’m on track. You might think my writings are vulnerable but I’ve only known vulnerability to be bare, withholding nothing. Now, it’s almost as if I’m cheating my way through it by not being specific. This isn’t daring enough. Maybe it is and however I feel is all in my head. Isn’t that what having an existential crisis means? A state of inner conflict characterised by feelings of meaninglessness, anxiety, and stress, often to the point where it disrupts daily life.
It kept me up last night, I couldn’t sleep until 3am. It also made me sleep through the morning after taking my bath and having breakfast. There’s just this sleepiness that’s irresistible. I’m sleeping my way through this crisis. It’s been so palpable lately that I’d breakdown for 2 seconds and continue with the task at hand like I didn’t just crash out. When the night is quiet enough for me to hear my thoughts, I just want to let out a shout that feels like the sound of a screeching tyre.
School resumes next week and I honestly can’t wait to go back. I know schooling in Nigeria isn’t the most enjoyable but for me, it serves as a distraction. In it I find stability. I mean, if every area of my life is shaking, I know I have an ongoing semester for the next three months and it’ll serve as a distraction. It’s a rat race. Wanting to be the best but watching my CGPA drop with each semester. What if I don’t measure up to the standards I have set for myself? What if I fail myself?
I’m learning how to pray again and rest in His presence. It sucks for now, I guess the future holds better. I’m sorry for not being excited about this because most people say that in a very romanticised sense. What’s so pleasurable about beating your flesh and willing it to do what it would rather not do? We set up an atmosphere of a perfectly curated “worship playlist”, sweet smell of burning scented candles, noise to overshadow the war within. Take all of that away and we’d be left with quiet. Unsettling silence. I dread the silence because then I don’t know what to do, and no, I do not want to be assisted by the chants and songs that I used to rely on. Let me learn the way to His heart if it means temporary discomfort.
It’s day 6 today and I can’t wait for day 7. It’s been a wonderful experience, really. Who would’ve thought that I could commit to something like this? I don’t think this is proof discipline though, I think I’m just scared of failing publicly. But it’s good because it shows that I care. Caring feels good. Right now, I just want to do, do, do. Sending out newsletters even when I feel like they aren’t good enough. Trying to be social. Speaking to people. I want to do what I have to do despite the voices in my head. This might come off as robotic but I think it’s better than letting the mind take hold of
After this challenge is completed, I’ll focus on podcasting and taking time to write on things. Maybe you’ll hear from me bi-weekly or monthly. I’m really being intentional about podcasting this season, I’m even conducting a whole research! That’s so unlike me. Tomorrow, I’ll write about how tearful I get knowing that majority of my readers are people who don’t even know me. It feels silly but I’m glad you care.
I read this piece by a writer who also went through existential crisis.
Yooooo!❤️
I'm just reading this and all of your struggles that you stated here are soooo valid. It happens, I guess.😅
We'll come out of this strong, okay?
God helps you!❤️
And, btw, you said you're planning on returning to podcasting? Sharppppp! I dey wait. Cook, make we feast.😁
a friend of mine talks about how people romanticise being a Christian, meanwhile being a Christian isn't all flowery skirts and picnic breezes.
your struggle is valid.
I think that what your life feels like now is a sort of canon event, or a character development arc.
people usually come out of these things with things they've learnt about themselves, others, their relationships with different people and things... stuff like that.
so, goodluck.
like the other person on Substack you included here, I hope you read this later in life and it serves as a memory that shows you how different things are — good-different or just different.