It is not good for woman to be alone

or lonely.

The days leading up to May and even the first week of May, were extremely overwhelming for me. My life is taking an unfamiliar turn and I also took on new responsibilities to stretch myself and beat idleness. These things aren’t things I haven’t done before. These things aren’t things I can’t do.

This past week, anxiety pulled a “this is not my real face” card on me that even me sef I shock!

I’ve definitely experienced strong anxiety and a few panic attacks in the past but this one is heavier. And in all of this, I feel alone.

Giving much thought to it, I’ve figured that I’m not having panic attacks because I fear I can’t do any of the things I’ve committed to. The anxiety is stronger this time because I feel alone.

Last week, we were assigned a group assignment which would serve as our first test. Somehow, my group members convinced me into heading the group because apparently, I’m the “only” one who can start a group conversation. In a group of 25 people, I felt alone. Yes most people did their research and we had a small number volunteer to represent the group. When it got to the stage where I had to put our researches together and compress the information, it was so overwhelming that I had to take a nap and revisit it later. We had less than a week to pull this off. I don’t want to be a self reliant babe anymore so I tried sharing the work among people I thought were capable. That fell through. In a group of 25 people, I felt alone.

This is not to shade anybody, I’m only just reflecting. Of course, they helped to the extent that was convenient for them. I deeply admire that- the ability to not care too much and not inconvenience yourself.

I don’t know if this a lamb to the slaughter syndrome or a saviour complex. Or maybe I pride in being so reliable that I don’t even think to say “no, I can’t do this.” And I could try to give only to the extent that’s convenient for me, but I would feel like a fraud. I would feel bad for not burning out for the sake of sustaining my “reliable” image.

Life would probably be easier and responsibilities wouldn’t feel like a curse if we would show up to the measure that is required of us. If we would be there for each other.

I found someone to replace me in our group presentation. The experience? Amazing. It felt so good sitting and putting my trust in my team members. Nodding and affirming the things they said as I watched them perform excellently healed me. I felt lighter after they represented us. Is this how it feels to sit back and rely on people?

In some phases of my life, the feeling of being covered is the greatest gift anyone could give to me. I want to be able to sit back and have someone come forward to lead. I want that assurance that if I don’t step forward, someone else would. I want to be cared for without feeling like the care I’m receiving is just reciprocity. I want to rest and not always feel like I’ll fail or lose what I have because I’m too tired to work.

It is not good for woman to be alone, but a leading emotion of mine this past week is that of loneliness even when I know I’m not alone. I’m physically exhausted and in pain everyday, yet still showing up. I sense a crash out approaching. Sometimes, life feels too much like a chore. Can I survive this?